Off to School

Well this morning came and went and I sent my little Bug off to school for the first time.

Daddy made him pancakes and sausage for breakfast while I ironed the fold marks out of his shirt (yes, I am that mom), then I put gel in his hair while he tried to stuff his mouth.  A little while later it was time to go wait for the bus.

Here he is, my oh-so-handsome little man.

Then it was time to get on the bus!  I only shed a few tears...mostly because I was upset that he sat all by himself.

 A few hours later (yes only a few - don't even get me started on my rant about the lack of full-day kindergarten in Utah), the happy boy jumped off the bus and told me all about his morning.  He was excited and hyper and loved every minute.  I can't believe he is so big already. <3

Love you sweet boy!!

Dear Ryan Maguire

My Dear Sweet Little Ryan,

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten.  I wrote a letter for you on your first birthday, and I had planned to write you a letter on the eve of your fifth birthday, eight months ago, to someday give to you, maybe on the day you graduate high school or college, or your 21st birthday.  I never wrote that letter, however, for your fifth birthday turned into a wonderful whirlwind of excitement and emotion for me as we whisked you away for your first trip to Disneyland. So I promised myself that I would write the letter the night before you started school.  And somehow, in the blink of an eye, that night has come.

You went to bed an hour after your bedtime tonight...because I did not want to let you go.  You snuggled in my arms and we talked about what your day will be like tomorrow, what bus you will ride, and how you must remember to raise your hand to talk. There was this part of me that just wasn't ready for you to go to bed, because in some way, I feel like tonight was the last night of your babyhood.

Tomorrow you will take a very big step toward growing up.  Sure it is only kindergarten.  But kindergarten is the first step toward so much more.  I am afraid to blink, because I am afraid that if I do, before I know it you will be off to high school, off to college, off to your mission, and no longer in my arms.

But oh how exciting it is to think of you conquering that world.  Your intelligence and sweetness and intuition blow me away every day.  Even as just a small five-year-old child, you have so much to offer the world.  Your desire and ability to care for others is astonishing. You share everything you have, from toys to food to pretend gifts.  You insist that everyone be kind and fair, and you do not understand meanness.  Your quest for greatness is well beyond your years.  I marvel at the kind of man you could be with these qualities and the things you could someday do with them.

So tomorrow you will make one more step toward that future. How has time gone by so fast?  It seems like just yesterday you were still a baby, my baby, my whole world.  Once upon a time, all we had was each other.  But now we are a family - you have me, and a Dad who loves you more than anything, and a little brother or sister growing inside me, waiting anxiously to meet you.  You have friends, teachers, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents - a whole village of people.  We have more than just each other now.  Yet even so, my entire heart is still held captive by your piercing blue eyes.

There are moments of your life that I will never forget, and this past year has not been short of them.  I will never forget crying as I sang my lullaby to you on the morning of your fifth birthday and hearing you sing the words back to me.  I will never forget the day you asked me if you could have a twin brother, and my heart skipped a beat as I told you about Malachi for the first time.  Then there was our last night in Disneyland when you and I rode the rocket ship ride - I took in views of the entire park lit up with magic and innocence, the same magic and innocence that filled your smile, and I held you with tears in my eyes, knowing I would remember that moment as long as I lived. It has been a very life-changing year for us.  And I am filled with joy at what memories we still have to make in the years to come.

I wish you a very happy first day of school, Ryan Maguire.  Always know that my heart is with you, no matter where you go.

Love,
Mom

Mid-week Woes

I am a pessimist.  I have been for many, many years.  I could wax poetic about the reasons why, the psychological implications that my life experiences have had on my pessimistic nature, blah blah blah. But I won't.  The reason being that my pessimistic nature is something I really want to change, and something I have been working very hard on over the past few months.  I have seen proof that the happiest people are people who focus on their blessings and do not dwell on their challenges.  I am trying to be one of those people.  On most days, I try very hard to embrace the powers of positive thought and remind myself that negative thinking generally only brings more negative experiences.

Today is just not one of those days.

Instead of trying to embrace the rainbows and unicorns today (and trust me, their are rainbows and unicorns to be embraced, especially in the form of some awesome news we received yesterday regarding Pete's job)...I feel like tonight I might just feel better if I take a moment to list my current woes, get them out, and move on.

So in no logical order...
- I followed up my hopeful post from yesterday about finally feeling better with puking all night, kicking my husband out of bed because I was so sick, and spending today feeling awful.
- I have been sick enough yesterday and today that I have had to go back up on my Zofran doage, which in turn has brought back the oh-so-pleasant constipation.
- Had a prenatal appointment this morning that revealed an oh-so-pleasant UTI.
- In an effort to avoid antibiotics, I am trying to treat the UTI naturally, but the 100% cranberry juice makes me too sick to drink it.
-  I had to drive our car for the first time in two months today, and of course, while moving the seat forward, the motor on the seat died and the seat is now stuck too close to the wheel for Pete to drive.  I have no idea what he plans to do about it, or how we are going to afford to fix it.
- We have to wait four more long weeks to find out the sex of the baby.
- The situation with Ryan's insurance is a mess and there is nothing I can do about it - and our new insurance with Pete's job will not go into effect until October.
- I miss my husband. His working nights sucks.
- I am getting very lonely without any close friends nearby.  I am trying to make myself be more social with the women in the neighborhood, despite how crappy I feel, in an effort to make friends...but I still feel like an outsider.  Sometimes I wish I had just one close friend that could come over and talk to me every now and then.
-  I have also been missing my old friends like crazy lately.  Even though I felt like I hardly ever saw them in AZ...I still saw them more than I do now, and I miss that.
- My back hurts like hell.  I had to stop my chiropractic treatment in June because of how sick I have been...and every day I can feel more things that need to be fixed.  I have severe damage from the car accident that I was told would take at least a year to heal...plus now I have pregnancy aches and pains on top of it...and some days it just hurts to move.  I dream of a three-hour long massage the way most women dream about Channing Tatum.
- I feel gross and unattractive.  Being sick all the time will do that to a woman.  Plus I haven't had a haircut or pedicure since November, and pregnancy acne blows.

Okay enough with the pity party.  I do feel better now...I think.  Now it's time to go read The Secret again and make a list of the things I am thankful for, and maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

16 Weeks

I am now 16 weeks pregnant, and finally feeling hope that I am on the road to a somewhat enjoyable second and third trimester.

This past weekend was great.  Ryan spent the weekend with Nathan and Angela so that they could take him to Angela's nephew's birthday party, and Pete and I got some much-needed couple time.  Over the course of three days, we got an amazing amount of sleep, we had a lovely lunch date at P.F. Changs, we did some window shopping, I finally found a pair of maternity jeans that fit my tiny legs, we strolled through baby furniture at Target and Ikea, we traveled 30 miles to eat Chipotle (and decided we really have to move closer), and we got to see Dark Knight Rises again in IMAX (and yes, I even cried the second time, it was ridiculous).  We even squeezed in some time for sex...and I made it through all three days without getting too sick!  Sure we had to take some time here and there for me to sit and rest in an effort to keep the nausea at bay, and my stomach did not enjoy the car rides, but it was still worth it to get out of the house and have some fun with my best friend.

I didn't feel as great yesterday, but I still made it out of the house long enough to buy our first official baby item (the Sunga-Bunny swing that I've had my eye on since before I was even pregnant, and we found at a consignment store yesterday for $75 less than the original price!) and took Ryan to meet his new teacher at back-to-school night before collapsing on the couch and vegging out to the Food Network with the hubby.  All of the energy spent over the past few days definitely caught up with me today though, as I have felt pretty icky, achy and lethargic since I woke up, but I'm still better than I was last Tuesday, so I am thankful for improvement.  I think 16 weeks just may be the first step of my turn-around, and I have hope that each passing week will continue to get better - even just a little bit at a time - from here on out.  *Knock on wood.*

This Year.

Another year has passed. If only it would get easier with each passing year...but it does not.

I have now lived eleven long years without my mother.

It seems that every year, as August 17th continues to appear on the calendar, there is a different emotion to experience.  In 2006 it was paralyzing loneliness, as I was suffering through my pregnancy with no emotional or physical support whatsoever, and all I wanted was for my mother to hold my hand. In 2007, it was anger - anger over the fact that I had nowhere to run, that I had no mother to take care of my infant son and me after we were abandoned by my ex husband.  In 2010, it was a vast feeling of emptiness, as I was planning my wedding without my mother (who loved weddings) and trying to imagine that special day without her.  And now, in 2012, the feelings I am experiencing are almost indescribable.  I think it is some kind of mixture of sadness, jealousy, envy, curiosity, strength, understanding and an overwhelming longing.

The truth of the matter is this: I don't believe there is any other time in a woman's life when she wants her mother's presence more than when she is pregnant.

I personally know women who have moved closer to their mothers just because of pregnancy or an anticipated pregnancy, and women who have become closer to their mothers because of their pregnancy experiences.  I am jealous of these women, to the point where tears run down my face.  I am jealous of women who have moms to obsess over baby showers.  I am jealous of women who get to go baby shopping with their mothers.  I envy the women who benefit from hearing their mothers' experiences of morning sickness and advice about stretch marks.  I marvel at what an incredible blessing it must be to have a mother who comes to help out with the newborn baby.  And because pregnancy is unusually difficult for me, I cry when I am incredibly sick, when my body is aching, when my husband is at work, and I am alone, because all I want is to pick up the phone and call my mom.

So perhaps this year, as the anniversary of my mom's death is upon me yet again, there is a chance that I may be missing her more than I ever have before.  But that is okay, because I know that next year will bring something different.  There will be new feelings to experience, and the overwhelming longing I feel now will change into something else, just as it does every passing year.

I may not ever forget the painful details of this day, eleven years ago.  But I am also so incredibly grateful that those details continue to fade further into the past each year.  I am thankful that my brothers and I have accumulated enough wonderful memories over the past eleven years that we have so much more to look back on now.  We are the people we are because of that day, but it no longer defines us.  Time has brought us peace.

Every year that I live without her, I grow more like her.  Every year that passes without seeing her face, I see more of her in my own reflection.  And every year that I cry because I miss her, I grow stronger.  All of these things bring peace to my heart, even when it is aching.

I love you, Momma, and I am proud to be your daughter.

August 17, 2011
August 17, 2010

In Loving Memory of 

Raelene Metcalf

November 1, 1949 - August 17, 2001

Wednesday Thoughts

This past weekend I really felt like I had hit a breakthrough in this pregnancy and that I was actually on my way to happy-glowy-not-pukey land. Saturday, Sunday and Monday were great days for me.  I made it out of the house a few times, I walked around almost all day Monday and felt pretty good, and I even started eating some vegetables and more healthy food (I have mostly only been able to eat junk/fast food without getting sick - go figure).

Then yesterday I felt like crap and I didn't make it out of bed until after 6 PM.  Today I woke up with a splitting headache, I've been sick to my stomach all day, and taking a shower this afternoon took all of the energy I had left.  So I have been on the couch for the past few hours, watching crappy daytime TV, trying to learn how to knit, and listening to Ryan play (sounds cute...but the pretend ambulance and firetruck sirens are not helping the headache).  So I guess I have not yet reached the magical second trimester joy that most women experience.  Perhaps it is just beyond the horizon?  I really hope so.

In an effort to stay positive and grateful, here are the things I am happy about today:

Ryan wanting "alone time" in his room, allowing me some quiet time
A clean bedroom that smells like my favorite candle scent
My attorney
$1,000,000 Umbrella Policies
Fiber One Brownies
Pickles
Friendly women in the neighborhood
Baby Bean's tumbling
Crazy pregnancy dreams about Christian Bale (okay that was really like 3 days ago, but it's still worth mentioning)
Only 2 days until I get to eat Chipotle for the first time in 6 weeks...keeping my fingers crossed I won't be too sick.

As Scarlett says, tomorrow is another day.

Pickles, Zofran and Legos

One of the reasons I decided to start writing this digital journal is because I'm pregnant, and being pregnant is very difficult for me.  I am plagued with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, but luckily it has been much less severe in this pregnancy than it was when I was pregnant with Ryan.  Even with that fact, there are some days when the only thing I feel good enough to do is lie in bed and cry.  Today is one of those days.

When I was pregnant six years ago, I only wrote in my journal once throughout the entire nine months, and I really wish I would have written more, as it was such a pivotal and challenging time in my life.  I have an incredible memory, but that pregnancy was so traumatic and awful that my memories of it have gotten pretty blurry.  For a long time I was perfectly fine with that, because I had no desire to look back and remember any of it...but now that I am pregnant again - which I swore I would never be - I often find myself wishing I had more concrete details somewhere that I could compare with this time around.  So now one of my goals is to actually write about my pregnancy - both the good and the bad - and hopefully in the end I will have many more positive memories to look back on.

Since June 2, 2012 (the day I found out I was pregnant), I have been praying and working as hard as I could to not get as sick as I was last time.  Amazingly, most of it has worked.  I went into this pregnancy armed with a better knowledge of care, treatment, and prevention, and I did my best to educate Pete as well.  We both went into it with a solid relationship and an understanding of what we were up against.  And now, 15 weeks into the pregnancy, I feel it is safe to say that we have fought the HG as best we possibly could.

It has not been easy by any means.  I have been very sick.  I have spent most of the past two months lying on the couch or in my bed in an effort to not throw up the food and liquids I have forced down.  I have lived on a strict daily regimen of medications and vitamins (Zofran, Unisom, B6, Colace, Zantac, Miralax, Prenatals).  I have not been able to get out of the house much, nor have I been able to do anything productive inside the house.  Pete has taken up all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, and playing with Ryan.  But overall, we have kept the vomiting under control, we have avoided severe dehydration and IV fluids, I have stayed out of the hospital, I have only lost 10 lbs (and gained a few back), and I have even been able to lower my dosage of Zofran over the past three days.  And I cannnot stop eating pickles.

So today is not a great day.  I am spending the day in bed watching "E.R." on DVD, with no energy whatsoever and a very upset stomach.  I am lonely and tired and bored.  But I am eating pickles, thanking God for Zofran, and Ryan is enjoying playing with Legos all over my bedroom floor.  It could definitely be worse, and I'm trying my best to remind myself of that.