This Year.

Another year has passed. If only it would get easier with each passing year...but it does not.

I have now lived eleven long years without my mother.

It seems that every year, as August 17th continues to appear on the calendar, there is a different emotion to experience.  In 2006 it was paralyzing loneliness, as I was suffering through my pregnancy with no emotional or physical support whatsoever, and all I wanted was for my mother to hold my hand. In 2007, it was anger - anger over the fact that I had nowhere to run, that I had no mother to take care of my infant son and me after we were abandoned by my ex husband.  In 2010, it was a vast feeling of emptiness, as I was planning my wedding without my mother (who loved weddings) and trying to imagine that special day without her.  And now, in 2012, the feelings I am experiencing are almost indescribable.  I think it is some kind of mixture of sadness, jealousy, envy, curiosity, strength, understanding and an overwhelming longing.

The truth of the matter is this: I don't believe there is any other time in a woman's life when she wants her mother's presence more than when she is pregnant.

I personally know women who have moved closer to their mothers just because of pregnancy or an anticipated pregnancy, and women who have become closer to their mothers because of their pregnancy experiences.  I am jealous of these women, to the point where tears run down my face.  I am jealous of women who have moms to obsess over baby showers.  I am jealous of women who get to go baby shopping with their mothers.  I envy the women who benefit from hearing their mothers' experiences of morning sickness and advice about stretch marks.  I marvel at what an incredible blessing it must be to have a mother who comes to help out with the newborn baby.  And because pregnancy is unusually difficult for me, I cry when I am incredibly sick, when my body is aching, when my husband is at work, and I am alone, because all I want is to pick up the phone and call my mom.

So perhaps this year, as the anniversary of my mom's death is upon me yet again, there is a chance that I may be missing her more than I ever have before.  But that is okay, because I know that next year will bring something different.  There will be new feelings to experience, and the overwhelming longing I feel now will change into something else, just as it does every passing year.

I may not ever forget the painful details of this day, eleven years ago.  But I am also so incredibly grateful that those details continue to fade further into the past each year.  I am thankful that my brothers and I have accumulated enough wonderful memories over the past eleven years that we have so much more to look back on now.  We are the people we are because of that day, but it no longer defines us.  Time has brought us peace.

Every year that I live without her, I grow more like her.  Every year that passes without seeing her face, I see more of her in my own reflection.  And every year that I cry because I miss her, I grow stronger.  All of these things bring peace to my heart, even when it is aching.

I love you, Momma, and I am proud to be your daughter.

August 17, 2011
August 17, 2010

In Loving Memory of 

Raelene Metcalf

November 1, 1949 - August 17, 2001