Dear Ryan Maguire

My Dear Sweet Little Ryan,

Tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten.  I wrote a letter for you on your first birthday, and I had planned to write you a letter on the eve of your fifth birthday, eight months ago, to someday give to you, maybe on the day you graduate high school or college, or your 21st birthday.  I never wrote that letter, however, for your fifth birthday turned into a wonderful whirlwind of excitement and emotion for me as we whisked you away for your first trip to Disneyland. So I promised myself that I would write the letter the night before you started school.  And somehow, in the blink of an eye, that night has come.

You went to bed an hour after your bedtime tonight...because I did not want to let you go.  You snuggled in my arms and we talked about what your day will be like tomorrow, what bus you will ride, and how you must remember to raise your hand to talk. There was this part of me that just wasn't ready for you to go to bed, because in some way, I feel like tonight was the last night of your babyhood.

Tomorrow you will take a very big step toward growing up.  Sure it is only kindergarten.  But kindergarten is the first step toward so much more.  I am afraid to blink, because I am afraid that if I do, before I know it you will be off to high school, off to college, off to your mission, and no longer in my arms.

But oh how exciting it is to think of you conquering that world.  Your intelligence and sweetness and intuition blow me away every day.  Even as just a small five-year-old child, you have so much to offer the world.  Your desire and ability to care for others is astonishing. You share everything you have, from toys to food to pretend gifts.  You insist that everyone be kind and fair, and you do not understand meanness.  Your quest for greatness is well beyond your years.  I marvel at the kind of man you could be with these qualities and the things you could someday do with them.

So tomorrow you will make one more step toward that future. How has time gone by so fast?  It seems like just yesterday you were still a baby, my baby, my whole world.  Once upon a time, all we had was each other.  But now we are a family - you have me, and a Dad who loves you more than anything, and a little brother or sister growing inside me, waiting anxiously to meet you.  You have friends, teachers, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents - a whole village of people.  We have more than just each other now.  Yet even so, my entire heart is still held captive by your piercing blue eyes.

There are moments of your life that I will never forget, and this past year has not been short of them.  I will never forget crying as I sang my lullaby to you on the morning of your fifth birthday and hearing you sing the words back to me.  I will never forget the day you asked me if you could have a twin brother, and my heart skipped a beat as I told you about Malachi for the first time.  Then there was our last night in Disneyland when you and I rode the rocket ship ride - I took in views of the entire park lit up with magic and innocence, the same magic and innocence that filled your smile, and I held you with tears in my eyes, knowing I would remember that moment as long as I lived. It has been a very life-changing year for us.  And I am filled with joy at what memories we still have to make in the years to come.

I wish you a very happy first day of school, Ryan Maguire.  Always know that my heart is with you, no matter where you go.

Love,
Mom