I woke up this morning puking. Eventually managed to eat breakfast, but ended up back in bed by 11:00 and couldn't get out of bed again until 2:30. I'm now on the couch...and feeling pretty sure I won't be doing anything productive for the rest of the day (unless you consider throwing up to be productive?).
I am now 25 weeks pregnant...and soooooooo ready for it to be over.
I know that I need to focus on the fact that this pregnancy has been so much easier than my pregnancy with Ryan...but this time around has still been pretty hard to deal with, and days like today make me want to cry when I remember what my body felt like before pregnancy. This very well may be the last time I ever experience being pregnant, so I have been trying very hard to "cherish the good moments" and not just wish away every minute...but in all honesty, I really just want to be done. I do not want to do this again, and if that makes me a bad woman or a bad mother or whatever in other people's eyes...oh well.
The good news is that time is flying by. October is almost over - seriously, when did that happen?? I cannot wait for November. For years I have hated November and December because it was always the end of a semester and my stress level was off the charts...but this year I actually get to enjoy things like my my baby shower, my birthday, and Thanksgiving - all without writing a single final paper. And that makes me happy :)
As usual, when I'm feeling crappy, I find it helpful to list the things that I am grateful for and happy about, so these are the things I am loving this week:
- My sister-in-law had surgery that may be the answer to her and my brother finally being able to have a baby, and the hope of that bring me so much joy.
- I got to spend five hours hanging out with Nathan while Angela was in surgery...we rarely ever get time like that alone together anymore, and it was nice.
-Progress is slowly coming along on Project Baby Room, and I am loving having so many crafty and design-y things to do (haven't had a list like this since before the wedding!)
- Pete will finally be getting a regular M-F day shift in a couple weeks - no more lonely nights!
- I love my new friends here in Provo - it is the first time I have really made girl friends since I lived in NC seven years ago. I literally prayed for the Lord to send me a friend here, and He answered my prayer, and I am so grateful.
- Breakfast Burritos
- Ryan is learning to read. It is awesome. (Although we are worried he may read well enough soon to figure out the baby's name that we hoped to keep a surprise...hmmm)
- Staying up until 3 AM talking to a friend.
- Taco Time!
- My husband is amazing, and so good to me. <3
Okay, weekly update is done. Time to find some food and hope that it stays down. Anyone want to drive me to Taco Time??
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Gratitude
About a week ago I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking with a new good friend here in Provo. We covered several deep subjects, and at one point we were discussing the many bad choices we both made when we were younger and how those choices effected where, and who, we are now. I found myself saying some things that I don't think I had ever voiced out loud, regarding the intense gratitude I feel over God's mercy and love for me. Basically, I stated my belief that even though we are given free agency to choose our fate, I still believe that there come certain points in our lives when the Lord will step in, regardless of our choices. The reason I believe this is because of my husband.
To put it lightly, I was a mess when Pete and I first met. I was suffering tremendously through the end of a very painful divorce, and self-medicating my way through it by making pretty bad choices with men (even falling for a married man). It was so hard for me to fit in at church and I was so miserable and lonely that I got fed up with God and faith and stopped going to church altogether. I was so stuck in the single-mother mindset of "I can do it all myself" that I gave up praying for help and seeking advice from others. The valued relationship I had with my Godmother, whom I was living with, was on the verge of falling apart. I was working two jobs serving and bartending while taking 18 credit hours at ASU, commuting my 14-month old son (who was still not sleeping through the night and had been sick with pneumonia three times in four months) to and from Goodyear to Prescott Valley once a week (a three hour drive), and I slept about three to four hours a night. It is safe to say that I was not at all making good choices regarding my body, my future, my spirituality or my soul. And I never expected that that would be the time when God would step in and give me one of the greatest blessings I have ever known. Yet He did.
Despite my choices, and the string of bad choices Pete was on the tail-end of when we met, I strongly believe that the Lord blessed us with each other for a reason - even though I know I didn't deserve that kind of mercy at the time. But it took me a very long time to really understand that and to be truly grateful for it. Four years, actually.
Today is October 13th. It was exactly seven months ago, on March 13th, when I was hit by a car going 120 MPH and was once again blessed with God's incredible mercy. My life was spared that day, when all evidence pointed to the likelihood that I should have been dead or paralyzed. Yet in the immediate wake of the accident, when I was suffering through an intense amount of physical pain and stress and much of my life was falling apart around me (especially financially), I did not feel gratitude. Instead I became overwhelmed with the thought that God was punishing me for all of my choices, including my choice to marry Pete. I was in a very dark place...but God stepped in yet again with a huge pile of incredible blessings, the biggest of which being Pete's job offer in Utah. The feelings of being punished eventually disappeared, and in its place I have found more gratitude than I have ever felt in my entire life.
The accident, the job offer, the move to Utah, and everything that has happened since (especially the conception of our daughter), has done nothing but cultivate and grow the intense belief I now have that marrying my husband was the best decision I have ever made, and that his love is truly a blessing that the Lord gave to me because He knew me well enough to know how much I needed Pete in my life - whether I was worthy of it or not (and let's face it, I was not). And even though I didn't really understand that for four years, both God and my incredible husband stood by me, forgave me, and loved me unconditionally until an idiot in a speeding car woke me up to how incredibly lucky I am.
The Lord's mercy and love for me, despite my selfishness, stubbornness and lack of gratitude is incredible. My husband's love, patience, kindness, and hard work that I don't ever thank him enough for is something that I will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of. And I feel good knowing I am finally on the road to becoming the woman both God and my husband believe I can be.
To put it lightly, I was a mess when Pete and I first met. I was suffering tremendously through the end of a very painful divorce, and self-medicating my way through it by making pretty bad choices with men (even falling for a married man). It was so hard for me to fit in at church and I was so miserable and lonely that I got fed up with God and faith and stopped going to church altogether. I was so stuck in the single-mother mindset of "I can do it all myself" that I gave up praying for help and seeking advice from others. The valued relationship I had with my Godmother, whom I was living with, was on the verge of falling apart. I was working two jobs serving and bartending while taking 18 credit hours at ASU, commuting my 14-month old son (who was still not sleeping through the night and had been sick with pneumonia three times in four months) to and from Goodyear to Prescott Valley once a week (a three hour drive), and I slept about three to four hours a night. It is safe to say that I was not at all making good choices regarding my body, my future, my spirituality or my soul. And I never expected that that would be the time when God would step in and give me one of the greatest blessings I have ever known. Yet He did.
Despite my choices, and the string of bad choices Pete was on the tail-end of when we met, I strongly believe that the Lord blessed us with each other for a reason - even though I know I didn't deserve that kind of mercy at the time. But it took me a very long time to really understand that and to be truly grateful for it. Four years, actually.
Today is October 13th. It was exactly seven months ago, on March 13th, when I was hit by a car going 120 MPH and was once again blessed with God's incredible mercy. My life was spared that day, when all evidence pointed to the likelihood that I should have been dead or paralyzed. Yet in the immediate wake of the accident, when I was suffering through an intense amount of physical pain and stress and much of my life was falling apart around me (especially financially), I did not feel gratitude. Instead I became overwhelmed with the thought that God was punishing me for all of my choices, including my choice to marry Pete. I was in a very dark place...but God stepped in yet again with a huge pile of incredible blessings, the biggest of which being Pete's job offer in Utah. The feelings of being punished eventually disappeared, and in its place I have found more gratitude than I have ever felt in my entire life.
The accident, the job offer, the move to Utah, and everything that has happened since (especially the conception of our daughter), has done nothing but cultivate and grow the intense belief I now have that marrying my husband was the best decision I have ever made, and that his love is truly a blessing that the Lord gave to me because He knew me well enough to know how much I needed Pete in my life - whether I was worthy of it or not (and let's face it, I was not). And even though I didn't really understand that for four years, both God and my incredible husband stood by me, forgave me, and loved me unconditionally until an idiot in a speeding car woke me up to how incredibly lucky I am.
The Lord's mercy and love for me, despite my selfishness, stubbornness and lack of gratitude is incredible. My husband's love, patience, kindness, and hard work that I don't ever thank him enough for is something that I will spend the rest of my life trying to be worthy of. And I feel good knowing I am finally on the road to becoming the woman both God and my husband believe I can be.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
Oh, October...
I guess it is time for a weekly update. Plus I feel too crappy to do anything else but sit here on the couch, so I might as well write something.
I have been looking forward to October for many months. When I was suffering through the sickness of my first trimester, and then discovered that the early second trimester was no better, I found myself looking toward October with a beacon of hope. October would be the last full month of my second trimester, so I would *have* to feel better by then. And I would still be small enough to mover around with decent comfort and get things done around the house before I am the size of a whale. October would bring the end of miserable heat and welcome amazing Fall temperatures - but not yet be so cold that I feel like I'm going to die (I am an AZ girl, remember, and the winter here in UT may kill me). And of course there's the fact that I love Halloween more than any other holiday. I had no real reason to believe that I would start feeling better by October, but I had such high expectations that I assumed the power of positive thinking would work its magic and October would just be lovely.
So far this month has not exactly lived up to expectations...but it has had some nice highlights.
For over a week now, my body has been fighting three different battles, and it is taking a ridiculous toll on me. I have been dealing with a cold/flu virus, a bladder infection, and the usual nausea/vomiting of pregnancy. The antibiotics I am on for the infection make me even more sick to my stomach than normal, and the grossly insane amount of snot that is constantly draining from my nose into my stomach also makes the nausea worse. But of course I have to take the antibiotics with food and then follow each dose two hours later with a dose of Probiotics that also have to be taken with food...so I am forcing myself to eat a lot while simultaneously trying not to puke. It is an interesting balancing act. My body is using so much energy to fight the virus and infection and nurture the baby that I have been left utterly exhausted. I keep trying to get sleep, but the inability to breathe out of my nose makes sleeping difficult, and the addition of the insane pregnancy dreams I keep having make it even harder. I have now had three different dreams where Baby Bean has been born prematurely...perhaps a psychosomatic fear related to my own premature birth, perhaps a premonition...either way, sleep has been hard. So here I am, sitting on the couch surround by balls of tissues, trying to ignore the mommy-guilt over not being able to do much with Ryan or take him to the other side of the neighborhood where all the kids play. Ugh.
October has been nice to me in a few ways. The weather has gotten cooler (not as much as I hoped, but oh well), our progress on the nursery is well under way now, and I have gotten a lot of time to spend with new friends that I have enjoyed greatly. It has been such a blessing to finally make friends here and to have some women that I feel I can really talk to, and it has been a blessing for Ryan as well. He is such a little social butterfly now, and it is great to see him have more interaction with kids rather than just adult family members. Pete is finally making his new salary, which will start bringing bigger paychecks this month, and we are now covered by some pretty great insurance, so our finances are looking better - and that is always a welcome blessing. Of course Halloween is right around the corner, which makes me happy as always, and I know that once Halloween passes, time will just speed by in a whirlwind of holidays...and January/February will be here before we know it.
My hopes are now set on November. Colder weather, my birthday, my baby shower, the awesomeness of Thanksgiving food...and I have to feel better by then, right??? Please?? I think it can be done. Cause frankly, I am sick of feeling like crap. That is all.
I have been looking forward to October for many months. When I was suffering through the sickness of my first trimester, and then discovered that the early second trimester was no better, I found myself looking toward October with a beacon of hope. October would be the last full month of my second trimester, so I would *have* to feel better by then. And I would still be small enough to mover around with decent comfort and get things done around the house before I am the size of a whale. October would bring the end of miserable heat and welcome amazing Fall temperatures - but not yet be so cold that I feel like I'm going to die (I am an AZ girl, remember, and the winter here in UT may kill me). And of course there's the fact that I love Halloween more than any other holiday. I had no real reason to believe that I would start feeling better by October, but I had such high expectations that I assumed the power of positive thinking would work its magic and October would just be lovely.
So far this month has not exactly lived up to expectations...but it has had some nice highlights.
For over a week now, my body has been fighting three different battles, and it is taking a ridiculous toll on me. I have been dealing with a cold/flu virus, a bladder infection, and the usual nausea/vomiting of pregnancy. The antibiotics I am on for the infection make me even more sick to my stomach than normal, and the grossly insane amount of snot that is constantly draining from my nose into my stomach also makes the nausea worse. But of course I have to take the antibiotics with food and then follow each dose two hours later with a dose of Probiotics that also have to be taken with food...so I am forcing myself to eat a lot while simultaneously trying not to puke. It is an interesting balancing act. My body is using so much energy to fight the virus and infection and nurture the baby that I have been left utterly exhausted. I keep trying to get sleep, but the inability to breathe out of my nose makes sleeping difficult, and the addition of the insane pregnancy dreams I keep having make it even harder. I have now had three different dreams where Baby Bean has been born prematurely...perhaps a psychosomatic fear related to my own premature birth, perhaps a premonition...either way, sleep has been hard. So here I am, sitting on the couch surround by balls of tissues, trying to ignore the mommy-guilt over not being able to do much with Ryan or take him to the other side of the neighborhood where all the kids play. Ugh.
October has been nice to me in a few ways. The weather has gotten cooler (not as much as I hoped, but oh well), our progress on the nursery is well under way now, and I have gotten a lot of time to spend with new friends that I have enjoyed greatly. It has been such a blessing to finally make friends here and to have some women that I feel I can really talk to, and it has been a blessing for Ryan as well. He is such a little social butterfly now, and it is great to see him have more interaction with kids rather than just adult family members. Pete is finally making his new salary, which will start bringing bigger paychecks this month, and we are now covered by some pretty great insurance, so our finances are looking better - and that is always a welcome blessing. Of course Halloween is right around the corner, which makes me happy as always, and I know that once Halloween passes, time will just speed by in a whirlwind of holidays...and January/February will be here before we know it.
My hopes are now set on November. Colder weather, my birthday, my baby shower, the awesomeness of Thanksgiving food...and I have to feel better by then, right??? Please?? I think it can be done. Cause frankly, I am sick of feeling like crap. That is all.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Exhausted
I got about seven hours of sleep last night. I took a three hour nap this afternoon. It is 10:30 pm and I feel so exhausted I want to just pass out...but the energy it would take to climb up the stairs and put pajamas on seems impossible. I have done nothing physical today other than a 20 minute walk around Lowe's in the morning and a 30 minute walk around Costco this evening. Seriously, I have barely even moved other than that. Yet I feel just as exhausted as when I would spend an entire school day on my feet with 150 students then go grocery shopping, shuffle Ryan to and from preschool, then head to class for three hours at night then stay up doing homework and get only four hours of sleep. Seriously. I know making a baby takes some extra energy...but come on. I dread having to walk up the stairs at the end of the day. I have seriously considered keeping a stash of clothes, toiletries and bedding downstairs so I can just live down here. Is that too pathetic??
Over the past week, Baby Bean has become fiercely active. More so than I ever remember Ryan being when I was pregnant with him. Her kicking/rolling/tumbling/partying has literally woken me up from my sleep, and she gets so crazy when I lay down to go to bed that it can take hours for me to even fall asleep. Most other mothers have reacted to this saying it is normal for most babies at nighttime...but the funny part is that little K stays that active all day long. Pete seems to think this is the reason why I am so utterly exhausted - because she is taking up all of my energy to maintain her hyper antics 24 hours a day. I have to admit...this frightens me a bit. What will she be like as an infant? Ryan was a very calm baby. The only problems I ever had with him involved trying to get him to sleep when he didn't want to or dealing with how often he was sick, but other than that, he was pretty chill. He never had colic, was rarely fussy for no reason, he preferred to sit and play rather than run around, and even now as a child he is pretty calm (once you get used to the non-stop talking). I have a feeling that little Bean may not posses that kind of temperament, if her activity in my uterus is any indication of future behavior. I'm worried that I may not have the energy to keep up...
In other news...
I have the sweetest son in the world. He got mad at another kid when they were outside playing because the other kid wanted to pretend that I was a monster. Ryan wouldn't have it. "I don't want my mom to be the monster!!", he yelled as he ran up and hugged me protectively. Seriously. That boy is the love of my life.
My awesome husband moved heavy furniture around a tiny bedroom for like four hours straight until I finally found an arrangement for the nursery that I was happy with. If only I would have discovered that we could fit the changing table in the closet four hours earlier than I did, it would have saved him a lot of work. Oops.
Okay. I need to go take a shower. But showers completely wear me out. I want to go take a bath. But the thought of doing so makes me more tired. Holy hell, I.AM.RIDCULOUS. If I were anyone else I would slap myself in the face and say "get over it you wussy."
But instead...I think I'll just go to sleep. Probably on the couch, in my jeans. Ugh. Whatever.
Over the past week, Baby Bean has become fiercely active. More so than I ever remember Ryan being when I was pregnant with him. Her kicking/rolling/tumbling/partying has literally woken me up from my sleep, and she gets so crazy when I lay down to go to bed that it can take hours for me to even fall asleep. Most other mothers have reacted to this saying it is normal for most babies at nighttime...but the funny part is that little K stays that active all day long. Pete seems to think this is the reason why I am so utterly exhausted - because she is taking up all of my energy to maintain her hyper antics 24 hours a day. I have to admit...this frightens me a bit. What will she be like as an infant? Ryan was a very calm baby. The only problems I ever had with him involved trying to get him to sleep when he didn't want to or dealing with how often he was sick, but other than that, he was pretty chill. He never had colic, was rarely fussy for no reason, he preferred to sit and play rather than run around, and even now as a child he is pretty calm (once you get used to the non-stop talking). I have a feeling that little Bean may not posses that kind of temperament, if her activity in my uterus is any indication of future behavior. I'm worried that I may not have the energy to keep up...
In other news...
I have the sweetest son in the world. He got mad at another kid when they were outside playing because the other kid wanted to pretend that I was a monster. Ryan wouldn't have it. "I don't want my mom to be the monster!!", he yelled as he ran up and hugged me protectively. Seriously. That boy is the love of my life.
My awesome husband moved heavy furniture around a tiny bedroom for like four hours straight until I finally found an arrangement for the nursery that I was happy with. If only I would have discovered that we could fit the changing table in the closet four hours earlier than I did, it would have saved him a lot of work. Oops.
Okay. I need to go take a shower. But showers completely wear me out. I want to go take a bath. But the thought of doing so makes me more tired. Holy hell, I.AM.RIDCULOUS. If I were anyone else I would slap myself in the face and say "get over it you wussy."
But instead...I think I'll just go to sleep. Probably on the couch, in my jeans. Ugh. Whatever.
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