I was 15.

I was standing in the shower last week, thinking of all the millions of things that swirl around in my brain all the time - like my endless to-do list, upcoming meetings and obligations, the things I need to write, the things I need to read, curriculum planning, the kids schedules, and when in the world I will ever have time to do anything – when the date August 17^th crossed my mind.  Oh yeah, it’s almost here again. Another year…what is it now? Fifteen. Fifteen years.  Then the next thought came… I was fifteen. I was fifteen years old when you died.  I’ve now lived just as many years without you as I did with you.

The realization hit me like a brick.  I stood there, frozen, staring at a bottle of conditioner, as the tears started streaming down my face.  There was something so profound about the fact that I am now beginning the era of my life where I have been without you - the single most important, influential and vital person in my entire existence - longer than I was with you.  I cried for a few minutes, then took some deep breaths and thought, Okay, this is one of those moments. One of the moments that hurts like hell, but it will pass. The moments always pass.  And then it did.  I went about my day, my week, my life.

But now it is August 17^th.  I watched it creep its way onto my clock all night long. I waited for Pete to fall asleep, I watched some TV, I browsed the news stories online…and now it’s time to face it. Deep breath.

You left me fifteen years ago today.

From this point on, my existence will mathematically be more mine than it ever was yours.  I now have just as many memories without you as I have with you.  And, most profoundly, I have now experienced the same number of years missing you as the number of years you spent loving me.  Where did it all go?  The past fifteen years? I have spent so long thinking that you shaped who I am – by your example, your mistakes, your love, your talents, your pain.  But now, my life is shaped by me.  My mistakes, my love, my talents, my pain.  What happened? Somehow, in the blink of an eye, I grew up.  And I did it without you.

Will those moments ever go away?  The moments that hurt like hell and then they’re over and it’s back to real life?  Will it ever get easier to be a mother without a mother?  Will it ever stop stinging when I hear my children say your name even though they have no idea who you are?  Will I ever stop being jealous of other women and their picture perfect families?  You can’t answer me, but somehow I think I already know your answer.  It will all be okay in the end.

In the meantime, I’ll keep going. I will live my life the best I can, I will love my children with everything I have, and I will try to remember how precious time is.  Another fifteen years will pass before I know it, and if the past fifteen have taught me anything, it’s that life goes on, miracles happen, hearts break, hearts heal, and it all goes by too fast. 

One year closer to the day I see you again.  Wait for me.

Love always and forever,

Your Daughter

Past Posts written on this Day....
Aug 17, 2015: Who She Thought I'd Be
Aug 17, 2014: Everything
Aug 17, 2013: Just One Moment
Aug 17, 2012: This Year
Aug 17, 2011: A Decade.
Aug 17, 2010: August 17th.