I know who I was, but I think I must have changed.

I have decided to start a new blog. The truth is, I am not really a blogger.  The last blog post I wrote on Love Story was almost a year ago, and even then I rarely ever wrote anything unless it was summertime and my homework load was relatively light.  So why I am trying again?

I used to keep journals. Lots of them.  I have several books stuffed full of writing, poems, quotes, thoughts, keepsakes, and drawings - now packed away in boxes.  They span from about sixth grade through the end of high school and into the early years of my first marriage.  I stopped writing for a few years and picked up again as I was suffering through my divorce in 2007.  I wrote briefly about the early days of my relationship with Pete, and then I stopped somewhere in 2008.  School, work, motherhood and life just got too busy for me to keep a journal.  But now here I am - for the first time in many years - without homework, without a job, without a crying infant or toddler...and without a reason to not write.

I have always wished that my mother had kept journals that I could read now that she is gone.  I wonder how much greater of an understanding of her life I would have if she had left some insight into the many years she lived through before I was even born.  Of course I do not have any plans of leaving my children at a young age...but I still want to give them something to look back on someday, even when I am still alive.  I would love to someday show my children proof that I once went through the same challenges and joys they are experiencing.  I am also pregnant and sick and stuck on the couch most of the time with way too much free time...so I need something to do.

So why a blog and not a handwritten journal?   Well, typing is easier and faster than writing.  That's pretty much it.

New chapter of life = New blog.
I considered simply continuing my former blog.  But it just didn't feel right.  That chapter of my life is over.  Not only did I finally finish school, but Pete, Ryan and I are living an entirely new life now than we were just six months ago.  The car accident in March served as a catalyst for change in many ways, and ever since then, life has been changing at a rapid pace.

Our years of struggle and pain in the death heat of Arizona are at last behind us.  We are currently financially stable (not thriving, but not scraping by).  Pete is working a job he enjoys and actually gets credit for.  I am currently a stay-at-home mom, planning to teach full time next year.  We live in a home, neighborhood and state that we actually enjoy.  We pray as a family and go to church (when I'm not too sick).  I am no longer suffering from stress-induced panic attacks, nose bleeds and migraines.  I have almost fully recovered from my car accident injuries.  And I am 15 weeks pregnant with a child that I swore I would never have.

Alice in Wonderland

I have changed.  Not in monumental ways, but in small, significant ways.  I am still the same woman I always was, but yet I have changed - as all people do, all the time.  I am my mother's daughter, and this is my life.

I really have no intention of anyone even reading this blog.  I am not writing it for that purpose.  I am primarily writing it just for me.  There will probably be many posts that will not even be made public.  But if some people happen to follow the rest along the way - especially other women who struggle with pregnancy, love after divorce, or life without a mother - I hope my writing offers you something worthwhile.  <3