My Mother's Daughter

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Everything.

Well, the earth has made another trip around the sun.

And it has now been 13 years.

In the years past, it has always been cathartic for me to write...but today has been different.

I have spent much of the day in silence, and I have had no desire to write. Honestly, I haven't felt that there is anything to say.

I keep thinking about a quote that I posted on Facebook this morning, a quote I have posted several times over the years, from an amazing book called Motherless Daughters:

"Yes, everything's been said a thousand times. Only one word has never been said, nor will I say it now, because you are alive in me: my venerable, beloved, imperishable Mother. Wait for me."

The part that keeps ringing in my head is "everything's been said a thousand times." I think that's why it has been so hard for me write or even talk today. It's simply as though everything has just already been said.

It was awful. It still is. It was merciful. It still is. I miss her, every single day. Yet it has been so long now that I can't really remember what I felt like before she was gone. One more year without her, one year closer to when I see her again. I miss her. I will never stop missing her.

Yes, it has all been said a thousand times. And today I felt the heaviness of it.

Sadness has turned into fatigue.

Even after a full night of sleep, it was incredibly difficult to wake up this morning. I could barely keep my eyes open in church. After church, I put Kennedy down for a nap, then I crawled into my bed and fell asleep within two minutes. I slept for 3 hours. I woke up to take my daughter of her crib and put her downstairs with her big brother. They began to play, while it took all of my energy to hazily climb back upstairs and into my bed. I slept for another 45 minutes before I the children woke me, but I felt like I could have slept another 14 hours more. Now it is the middle of the night. I am awake only because my baby is sick to her stomach and lying on the floor watching Baby Einstein is the only thing making her feel better. So I sit here, utterly exhausted, forcing myself to write in an effort to keep my eyes from closing.

It has become clear to me that carrying a loss so profound as the death of your mother can be a very heavy weight to carry. And heavy weights can be exhausting, especially on days like today. But as heavy as it may be, the loss helps me be a better person. It helps me become a better mother, it helps me teach others, it has taught me invaluable truths. It makes me stronger and it pulls me closer to God. It is part of my identity, part of my history, part of my destiny. And for those reasons, the burden is essential.

So I will take the fatigue. I will let myself be sad, and tired, and quiet for today. I will wake up tomorrow and today will be gone, the earth will begin another trip around the sun, and I will move forward. I will find a way to rest, knowing that everything has been said and everything has been felt. But everything is as it should be. And something about that brings me peace.

Today and every day, I miss you.

Wait for me.

My Momma

November. 1, 1949 - August 17, 2001

August 17th, 2013: Just One Moment

August 17th, 2012: This Year

August 17th, 2011: A Decade

August 17th, 2010: August 17th

Monday, July 7, 2014

The Wise Words of Lumiere

No, I am not talking about some romantic French poet or lyricist. I really am talking about this guy.

Try the grey stuff, it's delicious.

The song, "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast has many fantastic moments, especially for us 90's kids. But the best line ever?

LUMIERE:

If you're stressed

It's fine dining we suggest!

Yup. That little gold guy is truly enlightened.

"Hi. My name is Gina. And I am Foodie."

I love good food. I love the ambiance of restaurants and chefs and people enjoying life over a table. I love comparing a single dish at several different restaurants and trying new dishes that sound amazing. I love watching the Food Network despite the fact that my cooking skills are akin to the skills of an eight-year-old. Mexican, French, Asian, Indian, Italian, Greek, steaks, salads, desserts, burgers, pizza. Fancy, casual, or hole-in-the-wall. It doesn't matter, as long as it's good.

Luckily for me, I have two great enablers: 1) My husband is a foodie too; and 2) We live five hours from Las Vegas.

Some people may think of Vegas as Sin City, or the City of Entertainment, or even just a pit of gambling and nightclub madness. But for Pete and me, the city of lights serves as a Foodie Paradise. It also helps that we have a soft spot in our hearts for Vegas, given that we got engaged and married there, so we have good reason to return every so often. In the past 5 years, Pete and I have made 8 trips to Vegas, totaling 27 days (including our wedding and honeymoon). A while back, Pete thought it would be fun to compile a list of all the different Vegas restaurants we have eaten at over the years, and we thought it might make an interesting blog post (or, rather, we were just incredibly bored one night).

So, as of our most recent trip (last week), we have eaten at...

...wait for it...

47 different Las Vegas restaurants.

Several were revisited multiple times, so the number of occasions is actually higher, but the location count stands at 47. Yeah. I wasn't kidding when I said we were foodies.

So here's the list (in chronological order, thanks to my eidetic memory):

Margaritaville, Victorian Room, Bellagio Buffet, Harley Davidson Cafe, Nine Fine Irishmen, Eiffel Tower Restaurant, Mon Ami Gabi, Trevi, Primo Gelato, Sirrico's Pizza, Le Creperie, Venetian Food Court, JJ's Boulangerie, The Drugstore, Kokomo's, MGM Buffet, Gordon Biersch, Zoozacrackers, Serendipity3, Grand Lux Cafe, Rainforest Cafe, Dick's Last Resort, Smith & Wollensky, Encore Lobby Cafe, Bartalotta, Yolo's, Tableau, Chipotle, Todd English Olives, The Sugar Factory, The Buffet at Wynn, Wolfgang Puck's Postrio, Origin India, Ferraro's Italian, Tao, Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill, Flamingo Pool Cafe, Le Buffet at Paris, SW Steakhouse, Buddy V's, Society Cafe, Wazuzu, Lavo, Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen, Canaletto, and Carlo's Bake Shop.

And now here's a little trip down memory lane...

Trevi, 2009

Eiffel Tower Restaurant, 2009 (Yes Pete is wearing a
a wedding ring two years before our wedding...long story...)

Eiffel Tower Restaurant, 2010 (I look so stupid nervous because I was
expecting Pete to propose right after the photo...but he didn't...)

Eiffel Tower Restaurant, 2010

Kokomo's, 2010 - The biggest slice of prime rib known to man

Chipotle, 2011 - Yes, I really do love Chipotle that much

Chipotle, 2014

Dick's Last Resort, 2011 (Our bachelor/bachelorette party dinner - kudos to
Holli for the awesome photo bomb)

Dick's Last Resort, 2011 (The first cheeseburger I had eaten in six months
thanks to pre-wedding dieting. It was the best burger EVER)

Tao, 2011

Tao, 2012, while pregnant with Baby K

Serendipity3, 2010 - Frozen Hot Chocolate

Serendipity3, 2012 with Nathan and Angela

Serendipity3, 2013 - Frozen Hot Chocolate
and a very excited little boy

Wazuzu, 2014 - Drunken Noodles (featured on Food
Network's Best Thing I Ever Ate)

Wazuzu, 2014 - Potstickers

SW Steakhouse, 2014 - Caesar Salad Boat

SW Steakhouse, 2014 - Chili Rubbed Ribeye (featured on Food
Network's Best Thing I Ever Ate)

SW Steakhouse, 2014

Tableau, 2014 - Best Eggs Benedict I've ever had

Buddy V's, 2014 - New Jersey Lasagna

Carlo's Bakery, 2014 (It was still under construction in this pic, but we ate
there three months later)

Lavo, 2014 - Giant meatball (about the size of a softball)

Lavo, 2014 - Tiramasu

Smith & Wollensky (Wedding Welcome Dinner), 2011

Our wedding reception food catered by Masterpiece
Cuisine, 2011

Sugar Factory, 2011

Society Cafe, 2014 - Prime Rib Egg Sliders (featured on Food
Network's Best Thing I Ever Ate)

Society Cafe, 2014 - Lemon Riccota Pancakes

Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen, 2014

Yes, our love of food has its drawbacks (those pesky things called calories), but we usually make up for it by crash dieting and binge workouts before our trips - which makes the food taste that much better once we get there! But even despite the calories, I cherish the fact that Pete and I have been able to make so many great memories over the years while sharing meals (both the good and the bad), watching the Food Network all night, and pinning delicious recipes on Pinterest that will most likely never appear in out kitchen. Our trips to Vegas - and all of the 47 restaurants on our list - bring back memories that not only make my stomach growl, but also make me smile. And for that, every calorie eaten and every dollar spent has been worth it. And I look forward to many more.

Okay it's time to wrap this up. This post has made me hungry. And I want to go watch Beauty and the Beast.

Don't forget - If you're stressed, it's fine dining we suggest!

Au Revoir.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day

I have returned!

Where have I been for four months?? Well, I've been in Vegas, and I threw a graduation party, and I redecorated our bedroom, and I threw a Luau, and I repainted and redecorated the bathroom, and I've been setting up a business, and I got hired for a summer teaching job, and I've been making lesson plans, and I was in Vegas again, and I've been busy with kids, and then my teaching job got canceled, and then I was in Vegas a third time...and now suddenly here it is, Independence Day, and I feel like the summer has been flying by so fast I've almost missed it. So it is time to write before even more time slips between my fingers.

I realized this morning that it was 10 years ago today that I was lucky enough to spend our nation's birthday in our nation's capital. What an unforgettable day it was. It was pouring rain all day, the parades and fairs were canceled, and the streets were flooded. I remember trying to walk through water over a foot deep before taking sanctuary in the Smithsonian Natural History Museum, and I had to buy a sweatshirt at the Smithsonian Air and Space Museum to keep me warm - in July! The rain stopped in the evening, however, and my ex husband and I camped out on the stairs of the Lincoln Monument for hours, just waiting for the fireworks. Man. The fireworks in Washington DC - as seen from the top of the Lincoln Monument, bursting over the top of the Washington Monument - are a memory I will never forget. And I have no photos of it either, so it has become one of those memories that live solely in my mind and thus take on an overly-magical quality. It is hard to believe it has been a entire decade since that day - since that life. I was so young, so naive, so jaded. But I was also happy, on that day especially, and I am always thankful for memories of happiness.

Independence Day is my second favorite holiday behind Halloween. And not just because I am an over-patriotic history teacher, but mostly because some of the happiest memories of my childhood took place on Independence Day. My family was always together on the Fourth of July, we spent years taking trips to Sedona, swimming at Slide Rock, eating picnics under the fireworks. As a teenager I spent the holiday with my friends - watching fireworks, laughing, reviling in our innocence, and enjoying our own brand of independence. The Fourth of July always seemed to be a good day...no matter how awful the rest of year may have been, and often was.

As evidenced by where I was ten years ago today, my Independence Days as an adult have been pretty good too. Here's a look back at the past few years...

July 4th, 2008, in Sedona

July 4th, 2009, watching fireworks in Peoria

July 4th, 2010, watching fireworks in Peoria again

July 4th, 2013, my sweet baby girl

July 4th, 2013, my sweet boy at the Freedom Parade

Tonight will be Kennedy's first fireworks (she slept through them last year) and we are going to the street fair downtown. I can only hope to make memories with my kids that, maybe someday, they will cherish the way I cherish the Independence Day memories of my childhood. And if not...well, at least there's usually always good food and pyrotechnics to get us through the night.

Happy Independence Day, America.

Monday, March 31, 2014

On Being a Vampire

I haven't written in a long time. I've been in a rut.

A vampire rut, actually.

No, this does not mean I've taken to drinking blood or reading the Twilight series (Thank God). But I have developed an inability to sleep when the sun is down and I'm getting pretty sick of it. I've been averaging only a few hours of sleep a night for the past couple months, leaving me utterly exhausted during the day. I've established a pretty good routine of napping while Kennedy naps, though - which might seem like a good solution...but I think it's only made matters worse. I've tried to make myself stay awake all day in hopes of being tired enough to actually sleep at night, but staying awake all day has become one of the hardest tasks EVER. The whole thing got annoying enough that I finally went to the doctor a couple weeks ago to get a blood test, and was told the very strange news that I apparently had Mono (a virus that causes extreme fatigue and generally awful feelings for weeks or even months) at some point recently, but it is no longer "active," meaning I am no longer contagious and don't require any treatment, but am still obviously feeling the effects. Even weirder, Mono is usually contracted through kissing...and my husband doesn't have it...so apparently I've been accosted by other fellow Mono-carrying vampires in my sleep (or some other explanation that makes more sense...I just haven't figured it out).

Despite the Mono, however, I am still struggling to sleep at night like a normal non-vampire person...except for the fact that Pete and I went to Vegas last week and I had no problem falling asleep (or sleeping like a rock) in the amazing bed at Encore, sans children and school and everyday life. This phenomenon has led to me being incredibly mopey ever since we got home and spending an extraordinary amount of time trying to conjure up reasons that we could 1) justify, 2) afford, and 3) do something with the children to allow a return trip as soon as humanly possible. Of course I've also been doing homework, playing with Kennedy, Pinterest-ing ideas to redecorate our bedroom, and stressing over the issue of whether or not I am going to try to go back to work in the fall. This may not sound like a true rut...but that's because I haven't mentioned the fact that I have no energy or motivation to unpack...or clean the house...or do laundry...or go grocery shopping...or get outside...or even put real clothes on. Yup, I'm in a rut. And all I want to do is sleep. In a Wynn Dream Bed at Encore. Mmmmm.

But alas, homework, a hungry baby and an episode of Gilmore Girls are all calling my name, so I guess that dream will have to wait.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

My Baby Girl's First Birthday Letter

Today's extra special

Because you turn ONE

We'll eat cake and ice cream

And have lots of fun

It seems like just yesterday

You were brand new

And now there are so many things

You can do.

We'll light your first candle

And make a big fuss

To be sure that you know

You're precious to us.

Today's extra special

Because you turn one

And the best thing of all-

Your life's just begun!

My Dearest Kennedy Rae,

Yesterday was your very first birthday. I intended to sit down and write this letter to you last night, but your Daddy and I got caught up in late-night projects for your upcoming birthday party, and then by the time we finished, you had woken up and did not want me to put you back in your crib, so I fell asleep with you in my arms, and had to postpone your letter until now.

I cannot believe that an entire year has already past since the day you left my body and came into this world. No other year of my life has gone by so quickly. It seems like every moment has just flown by in a flurry of joy and change - and in just the blink of an eye, you transformed from a tiny, curled up newborn into a beautiful, wild and independent little person. As I am writing this, you are sleeping soundly in your crib, breathing loudly because you are sick, but peacefully unaware that I crept into your room to write this while I listen to your tiny snores. You are wearing pink striped pajamas that you will probably outgrow by next week, you are snuggled underneath a fluffy pink blanket, and you are so, so beautiful.

When you are awake, you are loud. Curious and loud. You crawl all over the place, you can stand while holding onto something, and just today you climbed halfway up the staircase in such a stealthy fashion that I had no idea that you were even there. Your favorite place in our house is the kitchen, because Ryan's play kitchen is in there, and you know exactly where the bin that holds all his pots and pans is. You empty it so often that I finally just gave up on picking it up, which means half of our kitchen floor has been littered in tiny cooking utensils and plastic food for days...but it sure does make you happy. When you're not throwing pots and wooden spoons around the kitchen, you spend most of your time on the living room floor banging a set of stacking cups and shaped blocks together. You love them because they make noise, and you love anything you can bang together to create even more noise. You also love to sing, scream, and chirp like a bird - all in that operatic soprano pitch of yours. And you throw tantrums. Lots of them. But you're ridiculously cute when you do.

You love to eat - right now your favorite foods are blueberries, ice cream, fried rice, bananas and string cheese. Despite your incredible, and often insatiable, appetite, you are still tiny for your age. I finally started putting the 3-6 month sized clothes away just a couple days ago, and you are currently wearing 6-9. You recently learned how to pull hair bows and headbands out of your hair and it drives me nuts. You hate wearing shoes or socks. You love taking baths. You LOVE watching TV.

You love to play with Ryan. You watch every move he makes and you follow him around like a puppy. He is so sweet to you, always wants to teach you new things, and is constantly worried about your safety ("What if she chokes on that, Mom?! Don't let her climb the stairs, Mom!). Your favorite and most used word is "Dada" (or "Daddy" or "Da"). You yell at Dad the minute he comes home from work and you cry the minute he leaves. You love to fall asleep on his chest and you think it's awesome when he throws you up in the air or hangs you upside down. It is safe to say you have them both wrapped around your tiny fingers...and I don't think they would have it any other way.

And then there's you and me. Oh sweet girl, you are my baby. You get upset any time you have to be more than ten feet away from me. I am the only thing you want when you get hurt or sick. And I miss you anytime I am away from you (unless I am sleeping because you kept me up all night, of course). Mothers and daughters really do share a bond unlike any other, and even as small as you are, I feel it so strongly.

So now you are one. You spent your birthday with Daddy and me until Ryan came home from school, we ate breakfast in bed, we went shopping for birthday party supplies, you ate your first snickerdoodle cookie at lunch, you took a couple long naps, and you had your first piece of pizza for dinner. Your party is in two days, and the planning has taken over everything over the past few days, but I'm sure it will be worth it (how can it not be, when I'm baking 60 cupcakes?!). You will never remember it, but I will, and I will cherish it.

Last night, I brought you in bed with me because you are sick with an ear infection and nothing else could console you. I held you in my arms and thought about the fact that I also held your brother in my arms while he was sick on the night of his first birthday, too. Then I thought of how fast he grew up...and how soon you will as well. Tears came to my eyes when I think of all the precious "baby moments" that you and I will never share again. I found myself wishing that I could go back and do the past year all over again just one more time - not because I would do it any differently - but simply because the sweetness of you as a baby brought so much joy to my life.

But of course we cannot go back. We can only go forward. And there is so much in front of us. I want you to know that your existence has changed me. I have more love, more charity, more hope, more courage, and more faith in God because of the miracle of you over the past year. Your little face has looked up at me on my worst days and on my best, and I want you to know that every day was better because of you.

I love you.

Happy First Birthday, Baby Girl. I am looking forward to many, many more...and so, so many cupcakes.

Love,
Mom

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Twelve Months

Today is the last day of Kennedy's baby-hood. Tomorrow is her first birthday. I can't believe how fast it has gone by.

I will post more birthday posts tomorrow, but for now, I thought I would take a look back at the photos I have taken of my sweet baby girl on the 29th of every month over the past year.

Watch her grow before your eyes.