My Mother's Daughter: Grandpa

My Grandpa Ray left us one year ago today. I did not write anything then. I made one post on facebook and then I became silent about it. It was too much for me to write then - too many emotions, too much real life to deal with. My brothers reacted so intensely to it that I suddenly had to become the one to hold it all together, because no one else was...and it took a lot longer for me to finally let it all sink in. Grieving his death has been very different from others in the past. When I got the call on February 14th, around 8:00 at night as I sat alone in my car in the Costco parking lot, I cried - but so many of my tears were tears of thanks. He had been so alone and sad for so long, and it was heartbreaking for him to slowly loose control of his once-solid-as-oak cowboy body, and it was especially hard for him to slowly loose his ability to play music...he spent 93 long years on this earth, and he was so, so tired. He was ready to go home to his wife and his children, all of whom he lost over a decade ago. As heartbroken as I was at this very moment one year ago, I was grateful that God finally brought him home. So it is not so much a sadness...it's more of a void. An empty hole in the family. It's harder to exist in a world where the greatest man I have ever known does not. It's just a void. One that I doubt will ever be filled.

In honor of my beloved Grandpa, I felt I needed to finally write something. When it all happened last year, I became entrenched in writing his obituary, his funeral program, his eulogy...I didn't have any words left to share here. Now, a year later, I want to share what I read at his memorial service, for those who could not make it, for those who remember him, and just for me to have years from now to look back on.

This is a letter that I wrote to my Grandpa Ray for his 90th birthday in 2012. Some friends of his threw him a huge birthday party in Prescott, but I was pregnant and on bed rest, so I wrote a letter to honor him. He kept the letter in his bedroom until he died, and then I chose to read it ah his service. It said everything that I wanted to say, and it still does.

My Dearest Grandpa,

Today you are celebrating 90 years on this earth. As I think of this fact, I am overwhelmed by the life you have lived. I have heard countless stories, I know all the important facts and details, and I have viewed priceless photos…but I know there is still so much that you have lived that I know so little about. It overwhelms me to think of the amount of laughter you have shared, the amount of tears you have shed, the amount of lives you have touched, the amount of priceless and breathtaking moments you have experienced.

I have only been witness to a small part of your life. As your youngest grandchild, you had already experienced 63 years before I was born. But in MY life, you have always been there. You have been a part of almost every memory, witness to every moment. You taught me to ride a bike – and a horse. You doctored my wounds when I was bit by a team of fire ants. You picked me up the day I tried to be a basketball player. You were at every dance recital, every play. You ate every horrible cake – saying it was “just the way you liked it.” You were there to see me off to my Prom. You held my newborn son in your arms. You were there to hug me each time as we laid my mother, and both of my grandmothers, to rest. I never had a father in my life – but I never felt deprived – because Grandpa was always there.

You are the rock of our family, the glue that has held us all together. We have lost much throughout the years, but YOU have remained. You have weathered more pain than any of us, yet through it all you have stood strong - with your big heart, your funny stories, and your beautiful music. What an incredible blessing it has been to have you in our lives.

I want you to know that I have never known a more selfless, brave or loving man than you.

It is an honor to be your granddaughter.

All My Love,

Gina Marie (Your Little Girl, always)