The Finish Line

Today is the last day I may ever be pregnant.  My midwife and I decided to induce labor due to the amount of pain I have been in from SPD and the fact that I have already been dilated to 5 cm and contracting for a week.  Although Pete and I have not completely ruled out the possibility of having more children, we have put a lot of weight in the idea of our family being complete for several reasons.  So there is a chance that today could be the end of my childbearing experience.  And I am okay with that.

What has caught me off guard, however, is the sadness I have felt today knowing that today is the last day that Ryan will be my only baby.  Maybe it is easier for women who have children closer together, but I have had six whole years with just Ryan, and it is hard for me to picture a life different from that.  Yet that life will be here tomorrow.  He is not the least bit upset about it, and seriously told us last night that he could not stop smiling because he was so excited for his sister to be here.  His heart is just amazing.  I know he is going to be the best big brother...I just have to find a way to wrap my head around the reality that I will have to love them both, even when it feels like my heart couldn't possibly hold any more love than it already does.  Tonight we are going to take Mr. Bug out for dinner at any restaurant of his choosing to celebrate his last night as an only child.  I hope I make it through without a crying breakdown.

While this pregnancy has been much easier than my first one, it has not been easy by any means, and I am thrilled to have reached the finish line.  It has gone by incredibly fast, even with the difficulties, yet at the same time it has been so long since I have felt like me that I don't even remember what it feels like - and I cannot wait to feel it again.  Due to the fact that I have been battling physical pain ever since March (after the car accident) and I got pregnant in May before some of my injuries had even healed, it has been a long time since my body has felt normal and I have not been in pain or sick.  Of course I know that the pain will not end tomorrow and that I have several more weeks of recovery pain ahead of me, it is still a great feeling to know that the end is in sight.  Not to mention that the pain I will feel after tomorrow will be lightened by the squishy-little-sweet-smelling bundle of joy in my arms.  Just thinking about her little face makes all the pain, discomfort, nausea and vomiting seem like a distant memory.  Now that the end has come, I am proud to say that I am a second time HG survivor, and I am proud to say that both of my babies have been worth the battle.

I would like to end this chapter of my life by writing a little something to each of the three loves of my life:

Dear Baby Jumping Bean,

I cannot tell you how excited I am to meet you tomorrow. You have brought me so much joy over the past nine months, and I feel like I already know you in so many ways.  I have dreamed of you, I have prayed for you, and I have cried for you.  I pray that you make your entrance in a calm, joyous and healthy way with many laughs along the way.  When you greet us tomorrow, please ignore my endless tears, please enjoy your dad's goofy jokes, and please soak up all the love in your brother's blue eyes.  We will see you in the morning, sweet girl.

Dear Ryan Bug,

Thank you so much for the being my very best friend for the past six years. If it were not for how wonderful, amazing, sweet, funny and loving you are, I would never have been able to agree to have another baby.  It is because of you and the infinite love I have for you that I have been able to endure the trials of another pregnancy - by knowing that it would all be worth it in the end if she is even a fraction of how awesome you are.  I want you to know that no matter what is about to change in our lives, you will still always hold a piece of my heart that can never ever be shared.  I love you, and I am so excited for the next step we are taking together.

Dear Joey Love,

Seriously, words can never express how grateful I am for you and the ways you have held me up over the past nine months.  You knew how scared I was to do this, and you took all the fear upon you and worked your absolute hardest to make this pregnancy a better experience for me than what I expected. There has not been a single moment of the past nine months that you have not been there for me.  Whether it was holding my hair back, cleaning out my puke cups, taking care of Ryan by yourself, rubbing my back, teaching my baby belly about Star Wars or driving to a different restaurant everyday to keep me fed and hydrated...you surpassed my expectations and made me feel like I was not alone.  I don't know if we will ever go down this road again, but if we do, I know I will not be scared anymore because I know you will be there for me.  I cannot wait to experience tomorrow with you, and I hope it ends up being a day that will bring us closer to each other and strengthen our relationship in ways we could never imagine.  Don't forget to make me laugh, buy me flowers, and soak in every minute.  Now let's do this - I need some Jimmy Johns!!!!