Looking back and forward at the same time

One year ago, Pete and Ryan and I were living in a tiny apartment that we hated in the ghetto of Mesa.  I was unable to work due to full-time, unpaid student teaching, so we were living off of Pete's salary and my financial aid, which together amounted to less than $30k a year.  Pete's car was broken down with repairs needed beyond what the car was even worth.  We had absolutely no social life, Ryan had no friends to play with outside of his grandparents, his babysitter and her children.  He had no real place to ride his bike or play outside unless we drove to a park on the weekends, and as a five year old boy, he was getting cabin fever.  Pete and I desperately wanted to have a baby, but knew that given our financial situation we would not be able to do so for a very long time.  I was beginning my final semester at ASU, after four and a half years of full time (plus summer school) work, and I was completely exhausted.  I was so stressed out that migraines, nose-bleeds and panic attacks were routine aspects of everyday life.  Pete hated his job and despite how amazing he was at it, his employers completely ignored him and his efforts.  He was passed over for every promotion,  pay-raise and opportunity that he applied for.  He spent months (well, years, really) searching and applying for other jobs, but never got farther than the interviews.  Between the two of us, we had gained about 50 lbs in the six months since our wedding, we felt like crap, and we fought...a lot.

When the ball dropped at midnight one year ago and it was officially 2012, I cried.  I was overwhelmed with emotion when I realized that this would be the year when things could finally change.  I would be graduating, which meant we could finally move out of Phoenix, I could finally get a job and make real money, and we could finally try to move forward.  We were desperate for change.

So Pete and I sat down and made a list of goals for the new year.  We didn't like the idea of resolutions, we just wanted realistic goals to work toward, because we needed some kind of visual way to hope that things really could get better.  I had found a quote on Pinterest that really spoke to me, it said "If you don't like where you are, change it. You are not a tree."  We put that quote on the very top of the page, and we hung the list on our bathroom mirror where we would see it every day.

Of the 23 bullet points, the most significant goals on the list were:

* Graduate!
* Pete pay increase with better benefits
* Apply for jobs in CO, UT, IL and AZ
* 3 bedroom/2 bath house with a yard
* Pay off Gina's debt
* Make a baby!

I would love to claim that we achieved all of those goals out of sheer determination on our part.  But the truth is that it all just happened.  It happened through challenges, roadblocks, struggles, triumphs and prayer.  And a lot of it was really hard to get through.  But in the end, when we look back on the past year, it is crystal clear that every challenge had a purpose, and every step of it was worth it.

Looking back...

Pete's car was a piece of crap.  But, if it had not broken down, we would not have been able to buy his first Harley, which ended up being our only way to afford the move to Utah (we had to sell the bike for moving money).

The engine block in my car cracked on March 1st, leaving us with no car at all.  But, if my car had not broken down on March 1st, I would have been driving it two weeks later instead of Nathan's car, and I probably would not have survived.

Pete was strung along for months, being promised a job with a huge raise by a different division within his company, before learning that the guy who promised it to him was eventually laid off.  If he had gotten the job, he would have had to travel around the country 60% of the time and Ryan and I would have had to stay in AZ, alone and miserable.

I came very close to being killed in the car crash on March 13th.  My brother's car was destroyed.  I broke several bones, sustained several other injuries as well as head trauma and emotional trauma, I racked up 50 grand in medical bills, and missed so much of my student teaching that I almost failed to graduate. I suffered physically and emotionally for many weeks. But, if the accident had not have happened, I would not be getting an incredible amount of money from the insurance settlement that has already bought us a brand new car and will soon be paying off all of my debt.  And if the accident had not completely shaken up my view of miracles and life and death, I would not have started going back to church, which would have prevented all the wonderful and much-needed spiritual growth that Pete, Ryan and myself have experienced this year.

The injuries from the accident prevented me from taking my AZ teaching certifications exams in March and getting my teaching license in enough time to apply for 2012-13 teaching jobs.  But, if I had taken the exams and gotten certified in the spring, I would have applied for the job that I desperately wanted at the school I was student teaching at, and the chances are high that I would have gotten it.  But, if I had, Pete and I would have had to stay in AZ despite how much we hated it, we would have put off the baby plan for at least another year or two, and Pete would have been stuck with the job he hated.

Ryan's sitter had to stop watching him in March because she was about to have a baby, and we were faced with the incredible stress of finding full time childcare we could actually afford.  But, if he had not been at his very first day at his new preschool on March 13th, I would not have been on the highway at the spot where I was hit in the accident on my way to pick him up.  And, as already established, if the accident had not have happened, many other great things would not have happened either.

Pete could not find a better job in AZ.  But, if he had, it would not have been such an easy decision for us to pick up and move (on almost instant notice) to a new state and a city we had never even seen in person.

And after making that decision to move to Utah...
I got pregnant the very first night we were here.
Pete has more than doubled his salary, gotten two promotions in seven months, and loves where he works.
We have medical benefits for the first time in our relationship, and they are pretty darn good.
We live in a 3 bedroom/2 bath townhouse with a yard and a playground behind our back fence in an awesome neighborhood full of kids for Ryan to play with.
I crossed off one of my life-long dreams from my to-do list by seeing Garth Brooks live in Vegas.
I have been able to take an entire year off (amazing!) and stay home with my son for the first time since he was an infant.
The migraines, nose-bleeds and panic attacks have stopped and my stress level is lower than it has been since I was about 15.
I have made close female friends for the first time since high school.
We are the owners of a car that currently has less than 400 miles on it.
Pete has been able to bring one of his defaulted student loans into good standing and we are working on getting several others consolidated and current.
I will be taking my Utah teaching exams in a couple months and will finally be certified to start my career.
I have survived this pregnancy and we will be welcoming our daughter in less than five weeks.


There were 23 bullet points on our list of goals that we made a year ago. As of yesterday, 12 of the goals have been reached, and a 13th will be reached by the end of this month.  I'm guessing that a 56% success rate would not be called "great" by most people.  But for us, that 56% has completely changed our life.

The fact of the matter is that 2012 was pretty damn good for us, even when it was awful. And the lesson we have learned from that fact is one of the most valuable lessons I have ever been taught.

And now it is a new year yet again.  Will 2013 bring just as many challenges, blessings and lessons?  Do I have any idea where we could be a year from now?

Everything is still rapidly changing.  I will be the mother of two very soon.  The relationship I have with Ryan will change.  The relationship I have with Pete will change.  I will have a whole new person to love undeniably.  Pete and I will have to battle losing weight again.  My year-long vacation will be ending.  I will finally be starting my teaching career, which is both stressful and exciting.  I will have to get over my fear of driving.  Soon I will not be pregnant, I will be able to eat and drink normally again, and I won't have to take 14 pills a day anymore.  Maybe my brother and sister-in-law will finally be able to have a baby.  Maybe Pete will get a better promotion.  Maybe we will move into a bigger house.  Maybe a Chipotle will be opened in Provo.  Baby Bean might be an incredibly challenging infant and we might not get sleep or silence for the rest of the year.  Financial struggles will probably hit, because they always do, and things will probably get hard.  But no matter what, I have faith.  I have faith that it will all work out in the end.  It will all lead us wherever it is that we need to be. It might be an incredible year, it might not be.  But we will move forward regardless. And I'm looking forward to it.

Goodbye, 2012. Thanks for everything.