I don't really have much to say about it...but it is impossible for me to not think about it, just as it is every year on November 1st, so I feel I should write something.
Tonight as I was eating a boring and somewhat lonely dinner of canned soup with Ryan, I found myself thinking about what we would be doing if Mom were here in Utah with us. I figured that Nathan and Angela and I would have taken her out to dinner at Red Lobster, because that was where she liked to go on her birthday. Ryan would make her a cute card that says "I love you Grandma" covered with crayon hearts that actually look like fortune cookies. And maybe we would come back to my house for some cake. Probably would have been a much better evening than canned soup and crying alone in front of a computer...but it is what it is, and life moves on.
Since moving here I often think of what life would be like if she were here too. I never used to do that much before living in Utah...maybe because I was so miserable that I wouldn't have wanted her to be part of the misery as well. But sometimes now I find myself looking at some of the little old houses downtown and thinking "Mom could live there"...and thinking that Nathan wouldn't be living in Egypt (better known as Tooele) if she was here in Provo. I have yet to determine if thoughts like that are good or bad in terms of my emotional progress. I can argue it both ways.
What I do know is that she is here with us as much as she can be. I know she is happy that Pete and I are here building our family and I know it brings joy to her heart that I have a beautiful and strong marriage to a man who supports me with all he has, because she knew the pain of being alone for so long. I know she is incredibly proud of Nathan for being the glue that has held her family together and proud of the immense sacrifices he continues to make for his family, just as she used to do. I know she is happy that Ivy has found a woman who truly loves him for him and that he has found a way to support himself despite his many obstacles. I know she is proud of Josh for being a faithful husband and father and that she looks down on his six children everyday. And I know she watches over Michael, wherever he may be, and that she loves him unconditionally even if he doesn't know it. All these things that are the best of us are all the things she taught us. She taught us how to love, how to work, how to sacrifice, how to forgive. She taught us that there is joy in life even in its very darkest moments, because she lived through so many of them. Even when she was poorer than poor, when she was lonely and sick, when she was heartbroken and hurt...she loved and forgave and sang her way through it. All of the goodness that we, her children, possess are because of her and her faithfulness in God. And I hope that is a good enough birthday present for her today.
Momma, wherever you may be tonight, perhaps you are sitting by my side, or bringing warmth to Grandpa in Prescott, or maybe you are singing with the angel choir, or maybe you are talking to Elvis (it is your birthday, after all!), I hope you know that I love you and miss you every moment of everyday. Happy Birthday to the greatest mother I could have ever asked for. P.S. I hope you have lobster in Heaven.
Love, Your Daughter
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| (My sixth tattoo; my oldest brother has a matching one on his shoulder) |
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